Joyful Anticipation

Hello Dear Ones! 

I write to you today from my couch.  The fire is going in our beloved woodstove, our semi-feral cat is stretched out on the sheepskin, luxuriating in the heat of the fire.  I am bundled in layers of wool. Tea and water are next to me on the windowsill.  The world outside is bitterly cold and covered in snow.  The sun is behind the clouds.  Our forest of slumbering trees surrounds our little mountainside home 

I’ve been restless lately. So restless and edgy, and so tired.  Usually this means that something is coming. 

Today is the first day that I don’t first have a title for my writing (before I sit and write). Instead I am guided by a feeling in my body about what needs to be said.  It’s going to roll out of me, and maybe by the end of my process, I will have a title.  Or not. Let’s see.

Today I want to talk about transparency in my process.  I think we all assume that everyone else, especially whomever we call a “professional”, has it all together.  I fall into this trap in my own thinking a lot… even though I AM what some might call a professional.  So let me tell you, I absolutely do not have it all together.  I never will. No one does. In fact, I don’t even know what it means to have it all together. Do you?  What, really, does that even mean?

Right now I am in a seriously uncomfortable time.  It’s not a hard moment of contrast.  Nothing is clearly wrong.  There’s lots that going well.  And I am SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  Edgy, itchy, frustrated, restless.  And so tired. Yesterday I started yawning at 4 PM.  Not small yawns, but whole body yawns.

I want to go back for a moment.  Years ago, maybe 2003, I was in a five-year relationship with a lovely man. I was teaching elementary school. Everything was fine, nothing was amazing.  And I knew that I was made to do more in my life. I was in a period of what I call “seeking”.  I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. I was 25.  I wanted to go to graduate school.  Or something.  Then, I started to have a feeling like clarity was coming. I don’t know how I knew, but I just knew.  Clarity was coming.  And I also somehow knew that I couldn’t receive it while still in partnership with the lovely man.  (I have since learned that we need to open our channels in order to receive clarity.) So, I parted ways with the man.  Within two weeks, BOOM! I got a big mystical download which then sent me off on a focused 20 year journey into the world of midwifery, birth, India, Alaska, and then home again to Massachusetts.

I’ve always been intuitive.  And the intuitive downloads have come easily since that big BOOM moment. Full transparency here, I am spiritual but not religious.  I experienced significant religious persecution as a young child and ran from organized religion for decades.  My big BOOM moment, however, made me a spiritual woman in the span of a nano-second.  Now older and wiser, I hold all religion with great respect and open arms, yet  I ascribe to none. But deeply spiritual? Yes, always.

Now I am in a phase of “seeking” again.  What is it I was born to do?  I love all the things I do professionally. And. There is more.  But what? I feel like I am gestating something, but I don’t know what this is yet.

I’ve been pulled into Elizabeth Gilbert’s work on Substack called “Letters from Love”.  It’s incredible.  I’ve adopted her daily practice of asking The Divine (who she calls “Love”): “What would you have me know today?”  And then I wait and I listen and I feel. Then I write whatever comes. 

What I am wanting and waiting for is divine clarity.  The big green light, a big BOOM or soft little whisper that lays it out for me.  This has always led me, guided me, and held me. Every shift in my life has happened this way.  It usually starts with something like, “Girlfriend. You have a clear choice in life…. You could keep doing this thing you are doing, or you could______. Which one is it going to be?”

So. Right now I am doing the thing we call: Living the Question.  I am trying to calmly live my life as if everything is just fine, while awaiting the next allotment of clarity. (It’s wildly uncomfortable.) 

The question is this:  How can I best love and give to the world? I know that I was made to give grandly to our sweet world, and to do so in a whole new way.

And I don’t know what in the world that is yet.

And it is making me crazy. And itchy. And frustrated. And wildy uncomfortable.  Sitting in discomfort is really hard for me.  The not knowing makes me want to quick find a solution, quick get rid of this feeling, quick find the answer.

But. There is nothing quick about this.  It’s all about patience and trust…. and if I sit in my greatest self, I realize it is all about joyful anticipation. (I am told that fear is just excitement without breath.  So perhaps my edgy handwringing is actually joyful anticipation, if only I breathe life into it?!)

When I gave birth, I had tools that got me through.  I had a midwife and a doula.  They were gold.  And I had my breath. I had learned a style of long, slow breathing to help me through the toughest moments.  Let me tell you, I was doing that breathing for hours and days. It worked.  I never once felt I couldn’t give birth.  The breath practice, combined with loving support, got me through.

Long, slow breathing goes like this:  Breathe in for a count of 15-20 counts, (a bit faster than seconds), pause if your body wants to. Then exhale for the same 15-20 counts, pause again if needed. Repeat.  This breathing style turns us into a zen being who is steady, calm, and can stay grounded through any storm. And. It takes practice to be able to breathe this way. It takes time to cultivate this capacity.

I am slowly making space in my life for the unknown. For the next right step to reveal itself. I am clearing the pathways, the channels in my life, so that clarity can come. So that I can receive, and then give birth to this mystery.  I realize that I have been doing this, unknowingly, for months.  I paused my Radiant Energy Course.  I dreamed up a new course, but then received clarity not to launch it. I am saying NO more often than YES.  I am staying flexible in how I define myself.  I write to you every week…. And for what?  Why? I have no idea (!) except that I know I need to. I know that words need to be said, and that I am the one to say them.

And so.  I will return to my breath, and practice long, slow breathing. And I will lean into my supports. I will keep clearing the channels in my life so that clarity can flow in.  I will keep writing. I will wait. And I will shift my mindset to joyful anticipation.

Of course, I will let you know when clarity comes rolling in, and once I am ready to share it.  (No matter what kind of BOOM or whisper it is.)

Here is my question for you today:  This idea of joyful anticipation…. Is there anything in your life that would miraculously shift if you applied this mindset to it…?

Thank you for being with me on this journey. Thank you for reading my writing.  And thank you for your reflections and responses back.  It all matters to me.

In deep gratitude for everything in this sweet life,

Rebecca

* Disclaimer: This likely goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: Everything I write is for educational purposes only. Nothing I write or share can be deemed diagnostic or medical advice. Nothing I write or share can replace your own healthcare providers or your own internal knowing and wisdom. Period. Please seek tailored medical care and advice via your skilled healthcare team whenever you need it.